Have A Problem? Just Start A Market To Fix It!

We can trade carbon emissions like fresh produce at some quaint village market

the good power plant owners and auto producers will display their earthy wares

they can barter with jolly fund managers for promises to plant new trees somewhere

Let’s credit default swap undernourished children baking in desert refugee camps

we’ll speculate on them like pork belly futures on the mercantile exchange

god bless them and all but, at times, we’ll have to hedge our investment and sell them short

We need to start charging for the priceless air that we breathe each and every minute

but it should cost a little less if it’s not quite as pure and clean as we really need

we’re not talking intrusive taxes here, for this is your free enterprise system at work

Ignorance is another so-called free good that we all take for granted

to remain willfully or otherwise uneducated should cost you some money

but countries could exchange this item for bulk quantities of pure blind faith

Let’s start a market to reduce our usage of self-centered greed

third world residents could improve their lot with a bit of this magical elixir

we just need a mechanism to allow them to trade us a bit of the patience of poverty

We’ve mortgaged all our futures now, so let’s trade them on the open market

they already buy and sell the loans we take out on our overpriced homes and cars

even an indentured future would be attractive to those overseas who have none at all

How about a place to pick up Traditional Family Values© in convenient takeout form

busy moms and commuting dads could grab some to share with the kids at home

the unemployed and the elderly could provide a seemingly endless and pure supply

We ought to be able to get top dollar for things like mercy and understanding

maybe we could trade acts of peace and love for weapons-making rights,

force those who profit on mass killing to deal with those dreamy-eyed, squishy tree-huggers

We need a better mechanism to invest all that time we save each and every day

it seems to leak from our lives like water off a roof way before we can ever use it

maybe we could find a way to earn interest on all those savings that we never touch

If drinking was limited to a fixed amount per member of the adult population

the virtuous poor could trade their rights to the hard-charging, heavy-drinking rich

and the homeless alcoholics would have to sober up every year by early March

Creating a pool of licenses which granted the rights to a child would enable trade

the infertile but doting rich could spoil and fatten more of their own venal offspring

government could then provide more opportunity to the smaller number of poor children

It’s time-consuming to go and vote and then there’s the flawed counting process

let’s let the market decide thru campaign contributions and give the results to charity

since in almost every single election the winner is the one who collects the most, anyhow

We should sell rights to smoking, overeating and lack of exercise

as these are the things we need to avoid to maintain our valuable good health

then just those with money could get diabetes, heart disease and strokes

Let’s allow the marketplace to decide which of our national forests will survive

if they cannot pay their way with tourists, hunters, offroaders, coal, timber or gas

we’ll sell them off to the highest bidding developer and cut out any further losses

We should turn this business of species preservation over to private enterprise

let non-profits compete with donations against corporate capital on habitat conservation

who could argue over winners and losers in the blindly just world of the free market?

It’s time we subsidize the oil companies in a competition to manage our water supplies

this inefficient and overly-expensive government control must go

for with impending shortages, corporations will best make optimized allocations for us all

Let’s put a value on our son’s lives by letting families sponsor surrogate soldiers

we’ll graduate the payment scale based on family income

the rich can pay to substitute 3 or 4 poor foreign boys to fight in place of their precious sons

Let’s seed a franchise market to take over our failed educational system

for our graduating children are no longer able to assume personal responsibility

so let’s let the blind hand of god’s Darwinian marketplace reveal the fittest curriculum

Let’s speculate in major religions based on the number of souls on their books

we can gauge their performance on outlets opened and percent capacity filled

that way, the popes and imams could raise venture capital instead of so vilely fleecing the poor...