Circling My Drain

I lay struggling and kicking on my mother’s breast unable to tolerate her good milk

even as they rolled my wrinkled, speckled body over to change the soiled sheets once again

I waited in a red jacket for the yellow bus on that first sunny day of kindergarten

simultaneously, at last I could no longer grasp the wriggling glyphs on any printed page

The older generations slipped away continuously in front of my children’s eyes

but, they too touched bottom at last, stood up and began slowly to emerge

I asked him of his plans and he recounted some of his more vivid memories

they were, as it turned out, actually willing to sacrifice for a future they would never see

Voices on the airwaves mingled with the live stream inside my head

in the land of dreams at least, I accepted these things without their having to make sense

I always felt I was growing nearer the happily that came just before the ever after

putting him in the ground I watched from a huge leafless oak as others lowered me as well

The times tables were like rhymes to me so I learned to sing them all quite well

he asked me how many fingers he held up but I could not really be too sure

I spent a lot more time with the people who had left me behind, the older that I got

no, I never returned to the homeland where they still walk me in the medieval courtyard

Later on I found it much more difficult when I tried to learn how to crawl once again

my chubby bow legs did not yet effectively support me so I waddled with uncertainty

I know that I am totally invisible in the purple lilac bushes of that sunny garden

as a starched nurse approaches I pull the stiff, rough sheets up and think that I am hiding

I have a recurring nightmare where I wake from a good dream that I can’t quite remember

awakened again that night, for the first time I understand when Mom tells me it’s not real

My life seemed as short as the years now seem after now having seen so many

in third grade I was sure that June would never come but that summer would last forever

For many years I returned with worms I had dug for the trout flashing under the old bridge

my uncle showed me how to bait the hook and told me I must intently watch the bobber

When I was 4, one day I thought back as far as I could and finally came to nothing

the older I got the more I saw how fast the void rushed at me, from all directions

I finally realized that things whirled around me much more quickly than I ran

holding my thoughts, I can take a long cool dive down into the dim, green past

After breakfast, we just stayed out by the lake for long summer days on end

I should apologize to many I no longer remember and thank the many more I never noticed

Sometimes my father disappoints me with an unexpected glance from an unseen mirror

I remember her dirty flip-flops and how she cried when she could not see the eye chart

I keep crossing my own tracks but it looks like they all lead off to nowhere

They got me cleaned up and just well enough to go and spend the night at grandma’s

All things were possible as I set off with my dad early on those Saturday mornings

often I hope we have enough time for the sun and snow to bleach our bones together

We wrestled savagely for what seemed like an hour in the side yard by his house

looking back now there is no way to recover that path I took to get here

I gave thanks that god had made me a boy and not an old lady or even an adult

groping in the darkness for direction, we did not describe straight lines

Staying below the superheated smoke we dragged the heavy firehose

the doctors found it difficult to treat the burns on an infant as small as myself

They could understand my words but we could no longer have a real conversation

I kept on trying as they helped me to evolve my first attempts at language

They performed an elaborate Christmas ritual which I have completely forgotten

they carefully placed the birthday cake on my chest after managing to sit me up

I floated like an astronaut with a lifeline plugged into my belly button

as my consciousness slipped away I felt myself rising at last, far up into the stars